fuzzy_firefox

Every few months I open up this page and look at my previous entries. Some of my best memories have never been written on paper - they are to remain forever unwritten and only felt. However when I feel melancholy, I return to this page to note down what's on my mind.

Today I feel very lost. I'm waiting for answers which determine my future.

Sunday was incredibly devastating because Mark and I almost broke up. He has decided he doesn't want another child and I cannot live my life without being a mother. Many tears from both of us were spilt because neither of us want to leave the other yet this decision may be what separates us. The amount of pain he felt has caused him to re-contemplate his decision... It's horrible just living in suspense; in love by day and fearful by night.

I bought the most adorable baby clothes today. No, I'm not pregnant, neither do I currently want to be, but one day... I want to know that when I want to have a child, my partner does too. I love Mark so much but I don't want to force him into something he doesn't want.

For a few nights this week my heart has been acting abnormally. It randomly pounds so hard for just one beat when I'm laying in bed then returns to normal. Mark was very worried, but it didn't happen last night. I'm also getting ulcers...  I think it's all stress related.

Mum and Sam are in Canada. They left a few weeks ago... I'd love to be with them. I'm looking at taking a month off work to go visit them. If work won't allow the time then I will quit. I'm sick of working in a disfunctional team anyway. 

Mum is pressuring me into building a house. When she sold her house, she gave me and Sam a portion of her money for our future and now she wants me to buy land and build a house in my name so she has somewhere to live. She believes she can afford to help mortgage payments but I don't think I can support a $400,000 mortgage, especially since I have thoughts of children and quitting work. It's so confusing. Life is so confusing. 

I'm so lost. 

I wish the ones I love the most in this world would stop hurting me just long enough to let me breathe...
 

So mum and Sam are selling the house and I've been cleaning out my room, boxing up memories and trying to find things I can sell when I stumbled across a journal from a year ago. There are a few pages that I'd like to share that help explain how I felt a year ago.

July 18th 2008
Friday
I had a late night convo with Nick. It was about Chris. At first I gave him the scenario anonymously & asked what he thought but when he asked for a name he knew immediately who I meant. His advice was to resolve the truth now before he visits (which mum still reckons he won't) so I left Chris a message asking if he is afraid of me hurting him or if he's just not interested in me. I'm so sick of asking him. It shouldn't be this difficult. I ended up going to bed about 3am. It was so awesome to talk to Nick though.

July 19th
Saturday (I'm going to condense this one down a lot because it's very long and personal)
Mum dropped me off at the casino to meet Benji. I don't think he recognised me at first - I was all dressed up. I managed to convince him to get a stamp for the Ruby Room but we didn't go up. Instead, we had a jagerbomb each, he had a shot of chartreuse and a glass of American Honey & I had an Ichigo. Then we went to the RR. He actually enjoyed it too! It was a great atmosphere. Several vodkas later we were dancing. I don't think I've ever seen Benji dance. After x time we went up to the Minq bar. I don't remember the first kiss of the night but I remember there were a lot of them. A mojito and a cosmo later and the night gets blurry. Visited his & my mum. Went out for a cig (him, not me). Ended up outside the casino by the fountain talking about getting a hotel room for the night. As luck would have it, the strap on my dress broke at that moment so Benji went off to book a room at the Burswood and I called mum to come fix my dress. (I only bought it today!) Once she fixed it, I remember convincing her to go home and that I'd find my own way home, although she just went back into the cas. I returned to the fountain. Benji wasn't back yet but he messaged me: "I was at the counter ready to book a suite but you don't want to do this. I respect you too much to take advantage while you've been drinking & I would feel like a prick if I did. Trust me, you'll thank me in the morning. Hardest decision I've had to make in a long time. I hope you read this tomorrow and understand that it's not you, it's the situation. Thanks for a great night. xx". At the time I felt rejected and upset. I remember walking to the Burswood to see if he was still there. Thank God he wasn't. I went to the bathroom and my cheeks were black from mascara. I cleaned myself up and called Chris. After all, he was the reason I wanted to go out and get drunk to forget him. I had an amazing night with Benji but let's face it, if we slept together not only would he have taken advantage of me but I would have used him too. It was all wrong and I'm so grateful that Benji had the decency to turn me down. So anyway, I called Chris but luckily his phone died before I could say anything. I realised at this time that it was 4am so I called mum and we went home. So anyway, I went home and was crying my drunken little eyes out when I got the stupid idea to message Chris. Now to be honest, every single night I get the urge to sms him but instead I just think about what I'd say and tell myself I've already sent it so I can go to bed peacefully. However I had no restraint. This is what I sent him: "I tried to sleep with Ben to get over you but he declined coz I was drunk and now mum thinks I need therapy coz I cry myself to sleep. All I need is you..." Chris must think I'm a loony case ready for a strait jacket. So there you have it, my Saturday night!

July 20th
Sunday:
Still drunk 18 hours later. I've decided to write a story about Chris to get him off my mind and onto paper. I've written out the plot. Nick told me about his book which I think is action-packed enough to be a movie and I know one day he'll be a famous authot. He's so talented, as is Chris but he would rather play WoW than write. Shame, I love his work.

July 21st
Monday:
I woke up very tired the next morning & I still felt a bit hungover. I don't remember drinking THAT much! Work was fine, I'm ahead in my hours which is good. Sam was sick so I brought her lunch like the kind sister I am. After a late night at Dad's house (Sam's looking after it), we arrived home and Chris was online! He was at work so he's obviously making an effort to keep in contact after what happened on Sat. He loved the Dark Knight and even went as far as to proclaim his love for the late Heath Ledger. Wants his babies apparently. It was good to talk to him.

July 22nd
Tuesday:
I'm so angry. Worse, I'm infuriated! I drove myself crazy over that boy! Countless sleepless nights crying because I was obsessed and missed him and didn't know why I wanted to talk to him so badly. I always thought I fell to hard for him but it confused me. I don't fall hard for just anyone. Then today it hit me. It's his fault. He is why I feel like this. All his messages about how he was thinking about me and missing me and how his life would be boring without me. Then silence. I mean its not something I only just realised. I know he did this but today I realised why it affected me so much. I was vulnerable and craved attention and compassion and he gave me those things. When I was lonely and needed someone he was there. When I started falling for him he reciprocated. He lulled me into a false sense of security then left me there to suffer the misery alone. In his words, "he was too busy to care for me". No wonder I drove myself crazy. Hell, I gave up breakup sex with my ex for him because I thought he liked me and then when he drove me to insanity I nearly slept with my best friend to get him out of my head. Granted in hindsight it probably wouldnt have worked but that just goes to show what he's doing to me and that's just scraping the surface. What about the countless hours staring at the screen waiting for him to come online and when he did, his deathly silences. His abrupt departures (which he still does - it's annoying). His diminishing messages. He doesn't call or SMS or email anymore. It's like nothing ever happened. I guess that's what hurts the most: the fact that I still feel this way and he doesn't.

Later that night:
He is so... ugh! Just when we were having a great convo (well, 1/2 a convo, hold the great) he goes and pretty much asks for sympathy. His lack of sleep, his bad cough, the heat, his drinking problem. I genuinely cared and was/am concerned for him then he ends the convo with sarcasm. Stupid way to end it. Why is he doing this? I just wish Chris didn't say that stupid comment. I want to hate him but I don't hate him. I want to run away from all this and start fresh but I want him to come to Aus. But even that excitement is slowly disappearing. Maybe he'll spend all his $$$ on alcohol and just forget about me. It's what he's doing at the moment.

July 26th
Saturday: (Lachy's wedding but it's irrelevant in this post so I'll skip to Chris)
I logged onto Argent Dawn to find Chris online but AFK. I waited ~1hr for him and said hi but he didn't respond. After another 20 mins I said "Maybe one day I'll stop waiting for you." coz that's all I seem to do these days but I didn't think he'd actually see the message. Give it 5 secs and the city's messages would have scrolled over my message, but I waited on MSN for him just in case. He didn't come online. After watching a movie, I went to bed and tried to sleep. Almost every night I write out a message to Chris before I sleep but I never send them. (Except when I'm drunk apparently!) Today I did. I wrote "Do you think of me? Do you miss me anymore?" I seem to be the only one who cares. Well he finally replied! Not the best reply ever though. "I come back from taking the top off the jeep, say hi only for you to give me some crap about waiting and then log off and now this? I came on from work more than I should have to talk to you and half that time you were marked as busy but somehow it's always me who doesn't have the time.You always say it's only me who is distant but how often is it that you keep conversations going or talk when you're at work? I'm tired of always being the bad guy." Well of course after expecting an answer to my question I became upset at his response. I had so much to say, like how I only was marked as busy once while he was at work and that's coz he went AFK. And I do keep conversations going. I always ask the questions to force the convo otherwise we don't say anything. All I want to know is how he feels. Unfortunately I prefer us arguing than him ignoring me. Sad, huh? I replied saying that I was sorry for angering him and that I wish we never started talking. I also said "I hate that I love you" which is true. I want to talk to him but he's made my life so difficult. I'm thinking of transferring Kym over to Dath'Remar too. He didn't reply to my SMS...

July 27th
Sunday:
Still no message. No email or nothing. I spent the morning in bed upset over Chris and the afternoon on the couch. I didn't feel like doing anything. After not hearing anything from him, I messaged him (he actually came onto MSN!) We were civil but he didn't seem too interested. I apologised again (because I really shouldn't have sent anything) but he shrugged it off. Not much of a convo. Mum and I went out for dinner and it was good to get out of the house. When we returned home, I messaged Chris and asked for an answer to my 2 previous questions but he didn't reply. Why do I torture myself? His silence is a huge answer. Why can't he just be a man and cut the rope tying me to him.

July 28th
Monday:
Chris messaged me today! Everytime I get an SMS I hope it's from him and it never is. Today I wasn't expecting it to be him and it was! Funny how that happens. He just asked about my day, which is enough to put a smile on my face. I told him about how mum just started at my work, and how I was transferring Kym off his server. I hoped he would ask me not to but he didn't reply. Just a hint that he wanted me to stay and I wouldn't go. But nothing. So I created a new char on his server to keep in contact. Chris isn't the begging type. He's silent and will stew over it until it's too late and then he'll talk. When he doesn't want something he'll let you know loud and clear but unfortunately when he doesn't care he also remains silent. So I don't know whether his silence is that he doesn't want to hold me back or if it doesn't bother him. Hard to tell. I don't think I want to know the answer...

July 29th
Tuesday:
Kym's big move! Still have stuff in the mailbox that I have to clean out then she's all ready! I wrote letters to Vin and Evi so hopefully they don't reply coz I won't see them.

August 2nd
Sunday:
I interrupted WoW long enough to see The Dark Knight with Benji. It was a great movie. Benji said he had been talking to Chris about his trip to Aus. It's good that Chris talks about it to at least someone. Last time I brought it up he said he was waiting for oil prices to drop so plane tickets would be cheaper. How cheap does he want to go? Tiger Airways? $50 for a catapult with a parachute? I'm becoming as hesitant as mum now. I wanted everything to be booked by now...


Enough meandering down memory lane for today - I have to continue to pack up my room. More treasures to seal away! Just wanted a piece of my side noted down for if he ever visits this site. Maybe it'll help him to understand what I was going through...

I heard this and changed the lyrics slightly. It came naturally so I went with it. I sing it this way always now:

You Found Me - The Fray (My custom version)
I found you
In the United States of America
Where the west was all but won
All alone, smoking your last cigarette
I said "Where you been", you said "Ask anything."

Where were you?
When everything was falling apart
All my days were spent by the telephone
It never rang and all I needed was a call
That never came from the United States of America

Lost and insecure
You left me, you left me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d I have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You left me, you left me

In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing me, the only one who’s ever known
Who you are, who you're not, who you want to be
No way to know how long you will be next to me

Lost and insecure
You left me, you left me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d I have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You left me, you left me

Early morning, city breaks
I’ve been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You stopped sending me letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want

Lost and insecure
You left me, you left me
Lying on the floor
Where were you, where were you?

Lost and insecure
You left me, you left me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why’d I have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You left me, you left me

Why’d you have to wait
To find me, to find me.



And just to offset this with some happiness - I love this song :) *smiles*:

Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away,
Please tell me you'll stay, woah stay woah

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be ok
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

I've been wanting to write for a while now. There have been a few massive things happen in my life, some amazingly great, some not so great and some just downright annoying.

So as you know, I'm in Sydney. Well, after 4 months of work, my position has been made redundant. Which is the not so great news. It's ok, I'm looking at it from a positive point of view. It's a chance to go back to Perth. I needed to get out when I did and now that I'm better, I can return. I'll start looking for work there. It's where my heart longs to be. My head tells me to stay in Sydney, work my way up the career tree until I'm working in the States but right now I don't even want to go there. I just want to be back in Perth.

The annoying bit is that I still think about Chris. Not nearly as much as I used to, and I've lost my unhealthy obsession towards him which feels soooooo good. But he still appears in my dreams and I often wonder what he is upto and why he hates me so much. (I've decided there is no other reason for his silence. He despises me and I want to know why). I logged into his WoW server today against my better judgement just to see if he was online. He was. It was strangely comforting to see him online, although I dislike him with a passion. I do. I hate what he does to me and I hate that I still think about him. Although I've had a wonderful distraction over the past 2 months which I'll get to shortly. He is online at the moment, on MSN. I actually unblocked him but I know he won't initiate the conversation. I won't either. In fact he probably has deleted me and Electras so he probably hasn't even noticed. Not that I care. How long does it take to get over someone, ffs? I'm sooooo over this.

So anyway, the best part of this update is the reason I've been so happy lately. The sole reason for wanting to return to Perth and the reason my heart is mending: Mark. *smiles blissfully* Sure, there are some flaws to our relationship, of which I won't get into now, but I haven't been this happy since I went to the States. I wake up with a smile and fall asleep to his voice. He has shown me how to be happy again and I would be so lost without him. In fact, I love him. It's only been a few months ("officially" it's been 6 weeks but thats coz we aren't counting the month of shameless flirting :P) but it has been such an amazing time. I can't express the happiness I feel when I am with him. The distance sucks though. He lives in Perth and I am currently in Sydney. He is actually in Texas at the moment but I'll see him next weekend so it's not too bad. I can be myself around him and it's just so comfortable and honest. I didn't think I would ever love someone so much after such a short amount of time. It's quite scary really. But a fantastic kind of scary :) I can't wait to be with him again! :)

I actually didn't write what I wanted to. I had planned to get everything off my chest but it's late and I didn't get much sleep last night so I only just scraped the surface. I might add to this later then.

Not that anyone reads these anymore :P

-K
xx

P.S. I asked for a silver lining and Roger gave me a link to SilverLiningTours - they do tornado chasing :) I will definitely look into that for next year!!

Last post: 194 weeks ago! Hmmmmmm.... time to update!

So truth be told, I was feeling homesick, lonely, sad and to top it off I am drinking vodka (although I've only had 1 and have since slowed down!! (yeh yeh, any slower and I'll be going backwards... shush!)) when I decided I wanted to write down my emo feelings but not somewhere in the house where my roommate can find it. (God forbid she sees how delusional my inner conflict really is!) So... I'm posting my feelings on the WORLD WIDE WEB! You know, so it's hidden somewhere safe and secure. Anyway, sad feelings, wanted to write them down, decided on livejournal, blah blah blah, when something totally unexpected happened - I stumbled across an entry from dviper7. (And if you don't know who that is then you don't deserve to be reading this. Go read some other sob story. Go on! Shoo!) And that actually made me smile. Before I knew it, I had read every entry he posted and not only was I smiling (-maybe- a small tear trail on my cheek), but my entire mood has now shifted! I feel nostalgic and loved. Even though his posts are like an entire era ago (5 years!!!!!) and probably don't hold true anymore, they are mostly all about me and it really moved me. I had forgotten some of those feelings, of those thoughts and this kickstarter was exactly what I needed. The only downside to this is that we aren't as close as we used to be. I doubt he still stands by his use of "always" in some places, at least it feels that way. And while this is the most frustrating part of it all, a lot of his posts ironically express the frustration and confusion I've felt over the past 8 months towards him. I guess no one knows WTF I'm talking about, and unless I tell 'dviper7' to check this page, I doubt he'll ever see it so there isn't much harm in me writing down how I feel, and how I've felt, in this entry. To whomever may read this in the future, I'm warning you now that this will not be a short post. A hell of a lot has happened in the past 194 weeks! Also, I don't plan on starting at the beginning -that stuff's for authors to worry about!

Firstly, homesickness. I'm going to start with this because it is the freshest thing on my mind that won't take up too much room. Why am I homesick? Well basically, I moved out of home for the first time in my life, 5,000kms across to the other side of the continent on my own to work in a new job for a duration of at least 18 months. As of this weekend, I have been here for 1 month. And actually my homesickness didn't begin until the end of last week so I think I did really well up until that point. Much better than the Japan fiasco. Let's just say I've matured a hell of a lot since then. I can now last at least 3 weeks in a new city without fear! Maybe for my next move it'll double!! Or triple!! Or, maybe next time I move it'll be to the United States and I won't get homesick AT ALL! (It's not illegal to dream. Or ramble for that matter) The homesickness started after I fell physically sick and really had nothing to do but feel sorry for myself. And of course, my alter-emo took over and I spent 5 days crying uselessly and making myself sicker. I'm pretty much over it now, thanks to my dad. Dad called me during one of my sadder moments, and he asked that I write it all down and email him my feelings. Normally, I wouldn't have done this but no one knows how lonely I have been (since June/July 08) and how much I crave any attention I can get. Sad, but true. So I poured my heart out into a somewhat brief-ish email leaving out only the parts about how much I missed 'dviper7', sent it off to him and went to bed sobbing. By morning, I already felt sooooo much better and to top it off, he replied in such a way that made me realise I was not totally alone. I always knew he was there for me, but reading the words and really feeling it is sometimes exactly what you need. It was what I needed. So dad, I know you'll never read this, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you! I love you dad! So just to finish off with my homesickness bit - normally I would confide in mum. She is more of a best friend than a mum to me. Someone I can talk to about anything (and I mean ANYTHING) but I could NOT tell her about my homesickness. It would crush her. Seriously, it killed me to see her crying at the airport when I left. She constantly asked me whether I was going to be ok, if I was going to look after myself, eat right, sleep enough, get to work on time, etc. And I was confident I could do all those things (and still am) but the ONLY thing that helped HER get through my departure was the fact that I WANTED this. That this was my decision and I was happy with it. And I really am happy with it. But after I left, mum didn't cope well. Telling her how well I was doing helped her get over my absence (plus I think my sisters's presence helped too), especially since she's now working at the place I used to work and my desk is empty - can't be easy for her. Imagine how upset she would be to know I was homesick. I couldn't do it to her. It's the one thing I can't share with her. Maybe one day, when I'm with her again, but until then, it's the brave face or nothing. And actually for a long time it was nothing because it was too hard to see her text messages or MSN messages or talk to her on the phone. It's getting easier, but I'll always miss her. She's too big of a part of my life to not. I love you mum! (I can confidently write this because I know she'll never find this page.)

And... I guess... in a way... I... *shuffles her feet*... suppose I... you know... love you too sis... kinda...

Anyway, that was the SHORT subject. The long subject is still to come. But first, I need to top up my mug. (Hehe yup, vodka in a mug!) Maybe some mood music too. Ok back with my mug and my friends from Linkin Park blasting through the speakers. Not the mood I was looking for but you can't deny good music! Ok the long subject is all about 'dviper7' but I'm going to revert back to calling him Chris because typing 'dviper7' is getting annoying to type. Well this is a hard topic to talk about, not because it's sensitive and I'm afraid he'll see it, but because a lot of these feelings are now deeply seeded inside of me and it still pains me to think about them. I started writing them down in a book back almost a year ago now with every intent on giving it to him when he arrived in Aus but the pages became upsetting to read and when it got to the point where it was just downright depressing, I stopped writing. This is the first time I've written anything about him since ~Aug 08, but I can assure you he has been on my mind EVERY SINGLE F*CKING DAY. The past 8 months have been most ifrustrating and confusing thing I've EVER been through in my life. Like the homesickness, it's getting easier to deal with, mostly because he has stopped talking to me, but every now and then he says something (usually something sweet), and I get that extra beat in my heart. You know the one that puts you up high enough so that when you fall, it hurts. Yeh well I've fallen so many times that I'm running out of bandages to cover up the wounds. Right at this point in time, I've deleted his MSN contact and his phone number from my phone. I know his email off by heart, and his number is still on most of the messages in my inbox, but this helps with the 'out of sight, out of mind' tactic that I'm now trying (for the umpteenth time. I'm obviously a slow learner!)

I just realised I haven't actually explained anything so I shall start explaining. In order to understand my story, you need a prologue. (And as spooky and coincidental it is, part of my prologue just messaged me on MSN. Posted a link to One Dollar Short - Satellite on YouTube. Sorry Linkin Park - you've just been turned off!!)

So, (according to Chris' post) ~18th Feb 2004 we met. On the 21st Feb my first high school sweetheart dumped me for my addiction to an online game called Mytharria. In a very dramatic turn, I upped my addiction dosage: changed to the American timezone and spent 16 hours a day (just before sunset to just after sunrise) playing an online game - Sanctuary. Chris and I got closer through mIRC and roleplaying and rapidly became friends. Best friends. I even did something I was totally against - I fell in love with someone over the internet. 20th Dec 2004 I flew over to the States to spend a month with him. One of the best months of my entire life! 20th Jan 2005 I arrived back in Perth and vowed to return to the states. Started computer college in 2005 and met Leo. 2nd Feb 2006 we went on our first official date. (which in 2 days would have been our 3rd year (and when I mentioned that to him he didn't even know what that date meant. For some reason that really stung. We used to celebrate the 2nd of every month we spent together. It's like a statement of him saying it's irrelevant to him now. I guess he has a good reason to forget). Beginning of my relationship with Leo was the beginning of my abandonment of Chris. I feel guilty as hell for it, but I was so preoccupied that I lost all my friends and devoted ALL my time to Leo, his friends and his family. We broke up a few times but it wasn't until March 7th 2008 (at my dad's engagement party) that we broke up for good. And it was all my fault. Again. This is really difficult for me to admit, because it tarnishes my reputation, but it was because I cheated on him. No, I didn't sleep with anyone else, but I did make out with someone and that was the straw that broke the camels back. Someone both Leo and Chris despise. Of course I regret my actions, but I don't regret us breaking up. Sure, I miss Leo sometimes, but we wouldn't have lasted forever, so it was for the best. I didn't mourn the death of our relationship immediately. No, instead I turned back to Chris, who welcomed my company back with open arms, and I, his. He and I spent the next few months like we did the first few months - I stayed up all night, he went to work late and woke up early. We talked for hours on the phone and loved and cherished every minute of our time together. Chris decided he was coming to Australia in October - hell or high water. End of prologue.

The months between July and November are blurry as hell. I just remember a lot of: loneliness, waiting, frustration, confusion, fear, obsession, sadness, depression, insanity, anger and a hell of a lot of pain. The depression was the worst, but the frustration was a close second only because it lasted the longest. Why? Because he left me hanging. He would send me the sweetest messages then nothing. No replies, no answering phone calls, no contact! No nothing! I cannot say how many hours I sat by my computer waiting for him to come online. And those times he did come online, the waiting in between replies drove me crazy. Then we would argue... constantly argue. Over nothing! It killed me. I would sit at my computer and just cry as he said hurtful things, and I reciprocated with words that just angered him further. I made him feel guilty and hounded him because he wasn't giving me attention. I thought maybe he had a girlfriend, and sometimes I just wished he did so I could have some closure. But no. He had no excuse, no reason. He was just always 'busy'. Too busy for me. Countless times I tried to give him his space, you know, not bothering him and distracting myself from thinking about him. But those times never lasted very long. I just wanted to talk to him and for some reason he didn't want to talk. I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to wait for someone when you just want to walk away. But I couldn't walk away. The seconds turned into hours, days turned into months and to this day I still don't know why. I'm somehow drawn to him, even as I grew to hate him so passionately. I love him but I hate him. So much for love and hate being an anathema. (Nick would be so proud of me for using that word!) As October drew near, he still hadn't booked his flight. When I asked if he was still coming, he said yes. I created an itinerary for his month in Australia and he never replied. Ok that's a lie. I asked where he wanted to go and he said he didn't know. 2 weeks before the date he was meant to arrive in Australia, we had an argument and he gave me the silent treatment. A week before he was meant to arrive, I located him (after a desperate search out of concern for his disappearance) on his WoW guild site. I asked why he was avoiding me and he said, and I quote (because I have a copy of his reply), "I told you I was done with it." ... "Every. Last. Thing." This was a week before he was meant to meet me, to spend time with me. This was after months of looking forward to him coming. He never came to Australia. I don't think he ever actually intended to. This hurt so badly, words cannot explain. It was around this time that I fell into the depression. Lasted about a month. A very dark time of my life. I feel sorry for mum for the pain I put her through during this time but I'm grateful that she was there for me. End of the depression I accepted the job in Sydney. It was perfect timing - I NEEDED to get away. And now here I am. Hmm I think the prologue was longer than the story! I've also seemed to have lost a lot of the middle. Like the specifics! Maybe I'll write them up later. I know confided in Nick (a great friend of mine) a lot during my blurred months. He was my outlet. Only he alone knew the struggles I had with my feelings for Chris, and the torture he was causing me until my breakdown in October when I confided in mum. Nick was also very supportive and I can assure you that I would have been f*cked without his guidence. I am only now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Being in Sydney has been good for me, as both a distraction and a very real opportunity to get out of the pits of inner hell I had been dealing with. Though I still miss talking to Chris just as much as I always have, he has his own problems to deal with, and I just have to deal with that. He has his own life to live, and I have mine. It's still so difficult, especially when I press that little button on Electra's hand that speaks his voice every night and sleep with my phone in my hand just in case he messages me. Or when I read through the messages he used to send me, the ones I kept that say how much he misses me, and how he can't stop thinking about me. One day I'll get over it. Maybe. I'll let you know in another 194 weeks...

-K
xx

Nothing is as it seems

Absolute perfection
Useless with you
Empty head, empty heart
But life for two

Darkness prevails
Exhaustingly sad
Life's too short
Found by dad

Nothing is perfect
It's getting worse
Beautiful dancer
Black hearse

Red Lancer
Gold heart
Taken too quick
End before the start

Heavenly sanctuary
It's not the end
Always remembering
Amy, my friend


A full page about Amy and Lauren in the paper today. Another article to add to my collection, plus I found a pic of Amy at the ball when I was cleaning up my room. It still makes me cry. I miss her so much. I know she watches me, I can feel her presence at the beach. She was so beautiful...

I will go visit Lauren again soon. It'd have been 8 months in 4 days time.

Saw this on Chris's journal so I did it too! *baa's like a sheep*

P... Phosphorous You scored 47 Mass, 41 Electronegativity, 36 Metal, and 10 Radioactivity!

You're high energy... really high. Unfortunately, you don't always put your energy to calm constructive use and sometimes let it all out in intense bursts. If your energy can be harnessed however, you will produce truly great things. I suggest you take up a job that runs you ragged... like opening and closing a Sodium-Potassium pump. Socially you ought to hang with a crowd that is even more social than you. If you don't, well... all those people who spontaneously combusted throughout history... you guessed it, phosphorous people who didn't have enough to occupy themselves. When picking friends make sure most of them rated high on the electronegativity scale... Chlorines, Oxygens and whatnot.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 79% on Mass You scored higher than 77% on Electroneg You scored higher than 18% on Metal You scored higher than 54% on Radioactivity

Link: The Which Chemical Element Am I Test written by effataigus on Ok Cupid

Oh yay... My online time has just been cut drastically. Since Dad returned all he's done is nitpick on me. He's disappointed that I'm not working nor at school. I'm not motivated because I've been home for 2 weeks and don't have a job and that's not good enough for him. I'm now not allowed on the net until 5pm every day and i have to be in bed by 12. I know i'm almost 19, sitting at a computer playing a game all day but it's something I want to do. it's not dads life, its mine. He even said that if i don't take charge then he'll take control. It's not his life to control. So what, I'm not the same as everyone else. I can't verbally abuse someone to their face like my sister and don't spend all my parents money. All the little things get forgotten in the big picture. All my little help and all Sam's little expenses. "You still owe us for America" Newsflash: WELL SAM HAS SPENT MORE THAN THE TICKET AND THE SPENDING MONEY DURING JUST THE YEAR! Her beauty school alone was over double my trip. All the rock concerts shes gone too, all the new clothes she gets EVERY week, all the excess crap she makes mum buy... none of this gets taken into consideration.

Maybe mum would prefer her daughter to be a druggie... going out every friday night, sleeping around wih whoever, drinking till she passes out. Maybe she'd prefer that than me who harmlessly does something she enjoys doing. I don't know what mum prefers but dad... he prefers anyone but who I am. He didn't even want to go to the cinema with me when his date cancelled. It was her or not at all... not even his own daughter. Wasn't even a romantic movie (which i'd understand) it was a comedy. He hasn't said "I love you" at all to me... in fact everytime we've been alone our conversations are only "You need to find a job", "you don't get enough exercise". "you dont eat enough" or "i want to check my email". we're meant to be going up in the helicopter next week... maybe a bike ride. dunno i guess i'll tell you next week whether it happens or not...

Ok so I wake up at 6.30am... go back to bed and get up at 10am. Chris is online and I talk to him for 3 hours until he goes to bed. I wait 10 hours until he comes online and I think "YAY!" since I've spent the entire day waiting. We spend an hour together and now he has to go to work. He goes to work early on Thursdays. :( It's not fair! May as well go to bed and do it all over again tomorrow... the day just goes sooooo slow. Spent all day helping people to pass the time and while I love helping people, I'd much rathered spent the time with Chris. (and I'd have preferred to spend the time literally with Chris but seeing him online is better than not seeing him at all)

One day it won't be like this...

And no, I don't blame Chris for any of this... It's not his fault nor mine. Our timezones just suck. The distance sucks.

Well I added Xana to my friend's list and saw she has heaps of quizzes on her journal so I did a few and added them to mine :)

What do the LOTR men think of you? by ladyearwentari
Name (LJ or Real)
Viggo said your	scary (you kept talking about how you would rape him)
Orlando says the sex was	weird
Elijah imagined	you in a red and black corset with a whip
Sean B could not	figure out your weirdness
Karl freaked out when	you got pregnant after your one night stand
Dom thinks you look	cute
Billy noticed	you stole his kilt
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Hmm... Interesting comments.
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SELENE: You are selene!
Beautiful, vivacious,
fierce and seductive, Selene vowed she would
destroy Lycans after her family was murdered by
the werewolves. So ruthless is she that selene
is a member of the Death Dealers. This elite
Vampire warrior class's mission is to make the
Lycans extinct.
Ever wish you could be a
vampire?






Which UNDERWORLD character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Oh hell yes I'd love to be a vampire.
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You are Anywhere

Beatiful song. Anywhere is beatiful and tragic all
in one. It reminds me alot of the song
"Theres A Place For Us" from West
Side Story. All that you want is to be with the
one you love, but the people around you are
making that near impossible.

Your Lyrics:

Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me
And dear my love, haven't you longed to be free
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
And at sweet night, you are my own
Take my hand

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name

I have dreamt of a place for you and I
No one knows who we are there
All I want is to give my life only to you
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name

Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you
Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you now

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name


What Extremely Underrated Evanescence song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I like the sound of these lyrics, never heard the song though. I'll have to get it now.
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Take the quiz: "What Kinda Kiss R U?"

Romantic Kiss
Lying in bed after making love and just doing whatever.

Hehe - I have no comment on this. Never kissed myself so I dunno :P
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